I hope you are all doing well.
I have been very busy and my life has been a roller coaster of up and downs.
Work has been really hard lately. So hard in fact that I had a major anxiety attack (major for me, I didn't have to go to the hospital or anything so maybe it's not considered major by medical standards) and spent almost all of Tuesday crying.
The worst part of it is that it wasn't due to one thing. My boss and the service coordinator that witnessed me crying uncontrollably, probably thought (I can almost guarantee the service coordinator definitely thought this) that I was overreacting. The thing that set me over the edge still boils my blood because apparently I have a different definition of honesty than a lot of people but it wouldn't have sent me into an anxiety attack if I wasn't already stressed to the max. Mostly (i.e. 90%) due to my job but in part because of things going on in my own life.
I still have my job. I guess that's a plus. My boss assures me that I don't suck (he used nice terms like meeting expectations, doing a good job, etc) but I may not be able to remain in this field if I cannot adapt to some of the inherent parts of being an itinerant therapist.
I knew going in this is an isolating field, your schedule depends on other people, and you never get to leave work. Knowing something and living it can be two different things.
The depending on other people is what is killing me. After what happened Tuesday I seriously question whether I want to remain in this particular field.
To put it bluntly: People suck sometimes.
I have had parents who decided to up and drop services without warning, ones who mysteriously never get back to me or leave cryptic texts not really letting me know if they want to continue, and ones who were pushed to get OT services by the service coordinator but didn't want them so treated me like a second class citizen till my organization pulled me out of there.
This has only been in the past month. If this had happened in June when I was struggling to get IEPs and transition meetings for my children going to kindergarten it would have been even uglier.
So I'm not particularly happy with my job right now. Add onto that I have no children who are straightforward cases and a whole bunch of sensory kids, it's a tough job.
Don't get me wrong. I like my job. I have a few kids I love to go see. They have awesome parents that carry stuff over (so wonderful and so uncommon) and are just nice to work with. I'm glad I will be getting back a few of my preschoolers come fall because they are are lot of fun too.
So I'm perplexed as to what to do at the moment besides trudge through. My goal is to stay a full year because otherwise it feels like I didn't give the job a fair shake but we'll see.
I did have a second job working per diem at a rehab facility till the end of June when the company lost the contract at the facility I was at. I decided to take July off from my second job while I decided if I wanted to stay at that facility or stay with the company or just drop my second job all together. I still don't know what I will do with that but with the problems I have been having at my primary job perhaps I should go back to per diem at a rehab center.
I have a lot to work through. I share my struggles with you in part because sharing it helps me to sort it out but also because I hope it helps someone else. I know how despairing it can be when you think all your friends, family, acquaintances, and even strangers have it figured out while you feel like you adrift. There is at least one other person out there who is adrift with you and I'll bet there are others but their lifeboats are so cool we don't even realize they're adrift too.
I wish you all well.
PS. In case this gets back to my company, I will not leave them high and dry. Ask any of my former employers, I can be a flake but I don't flake out. That does not mean, however, that I will remain long term in a position that makes me miserable. Also, from our conversation Tuesday they kind of know this.