I'm kind of relieved that it's been one year. We've gone through every holiday and birthday at least once. We know how it feels to be without her and we have learned that we are able to go on.
For those of you who may not know, today is the one year anniversary of my younger sister's death. Constance was only seventeen and she wasn't just my sister but my friend.
I miss her more than words can say. Anyone who has lost someone they were so close to can relate and even those who haven't can probably imagine. I miss her everyday. Not a single day has gone by that I have not thought of her. I have gone through a myriad of emotions when it comes to her death. Sadness, betrayal, anger, I have felt them all. I still do.
The hardest days are, for the most part, not the big holidays or birthdays, but the everyday days when it just kind of hits you. It may be an object, a thought, a sight, a memory, a sentence or phrase, or something else that just brings the memories back. Those are the worst.
I hate living without my sister. I hate knowing I will never talk to her again. I hate that she is gone forever. I hate that it sometimes feels like the ultimate betrayal that she is gone. I hate that some ignorant people blame my family for her death.
I know my sister is in a better place. I know that she is finally, truly, and completely happy and fulfilled. Looking back I realize just how much Constance battled with her inner demons and that the inner demons finally won. It's good to know that if Constance can't be here with us that she is in the best place that anyone could be.
I've learned a lot over the past year. I've learned I'm a lot stronger than I ever thought I could be. I've learned who my real friends are. I've learned that there are a lot of people who care about my well-being. I've learned that it is possible to move on after a loss like mine.
One thing about life is it does go on. You have to keep moving forward because the world doesn't stop moving just because you think it should. I don't mean this as discouragement but the opposite. How great is it that we are able to move on with our lives? That we don't have to let one moment (or several) in our lives define us? We are greater than that. The world is greater than that.
Sometimes I get really down when I think about the fact that I have to live the rest of my life without my baby sister. Constance is gone. She won't be there when I graduate, if I get married or have children and I will never see her do these things either. It can be very overwhelming. I guess what gets me through it is that God has a plan for me and there is always light where there is darkness.
This past year there has been a lot of pain but there has been a lot of love and happiness as well. My niece, Amelia, and my nephew, Gage, were both welcomed into the world. I found out I have some really great friends. I began my job as a community habilitation aide which I really like. I had a great summer working at camp and worked with some really great people. I began grad school and met a bunch of new, really great people. I have learned that I am a lot stronger than I thought I was and I hope that my experience can help someone else.
I really don't know if any of that above makes any sense but I hope it does.
I really don't want to end this note on a depressing note so I want to give you a recap of my day.
Today was a really good day for the most part. Field work went well. My friend and classmate came over for dinner and then we studied although we mostly just talked. To keep with my lent commitment, here are today's good things:
1. I did not have a hard time getting up for fieldwork this morning and I felt ready to face the day.
2. Fieldwork went well.
3. Having great friends.
-A couple of my friends texted me to let me know they were thinking of me to day. My friend who came over for dinner was a great listener and really helped me to smile. Thank you ladies. :)
4. That I have made it through the year and that I am stronger than I was before.
-Had you asked me before this happened how I would handle it I don't think I would have thought I could do it but I did. I know it sounds boastful but I am proud at how I handled it and I am proud of my family as well. It's been a hell of year but we made it. We have no where to go but forward. :)
If you are still reading at this point, thank you for reading.